receiving

Recently I ran into an old pastor friend at a coffeeshop I had never been to before. It’s been at least a decade since I’d seen him and I used to stay with their elementary aged kids for them to go on work trips and those children are now married and in college. Obviously time has gone by, but in my mind they’re still little, running around playing.

In sharing a bit about my life since 2019 culminating in the last several months, he listened, affirmed, and simply observed that he thinks maybe the Lord is preparing me to receive something. 

Receiving. 

Something in me wants this more than anything, I mean who doesn’t want? And yet to want is to hope and to hope is vulnerable. So this feels terrifying. And yet, in the tiny and big, everyday and once every ten years kinds of ways, the Lord is giving me chances to try, to risk, to enjoy, to receive. But I find it’s so hard for me… I find myself battling feeling guilty, like it’s too good for me. Reflexive resistance takes me off guard.

Recently I was talking with a dear soul about the guilt I battled when I was looking at the car I just purchased. It felt too good, too nice, too easy… too much. She mentioned feeling the same way about a recent purchase. And what’s so sweet, is that for each of us, our reflexive arguments and resistance were met with such patience, assurance and kindness. And now we both have the things… and they have been such a gift already, and allowed us to use them to bless others in different ways that we actually could not have otherwise. We received them and are so grateful. And we enjoy them. And there is no guilt. And then I used my car to drive to receive a desperately needed reset with the wind and ocean surrounding me for a week.

And the sweetest part, is at the end of the day I don’t think this is all ultimately about new fancy things. I think it’s about a posture of being willing to receive all that the Lord has for us in every facet of our being, each step of the way. But for those of us conditioned to struggle and resist, it is about being willing to receive the good, the kind when it’s given… knowing it’s not too much.

And when we find ourselves resistant or shrinking back, battling guilt or shame, we can still be kind to ourselves. We don’t have to heap on more guilt or shame because we’re still battling resistance. But could we just pause and lean in when we’re able? 

Because I just want to be where the Lord is leading. I don’t actually want to shrink back. So when I do, there’s grace and such assurance even there. And I certainly don’t want to run ahead. If He’s not leading, I don’t want to go. But if He is, there’s no place I’d rather be.