driving
The moment I turned 15 and could get myself to the DMV, I got my learner’s permit. I could not wait to take on the road! I even had a driving themed birthday party that year.
Only to end up waiting until I was 18 to finally get my license.
Once I started learning to drive, I realized I just did not trust other drivers. I was fully confident in my ability to drive. But I was not confident in my ability to deal with other drivers doing stupid things. And I felt like I was in a bind of needing more experience to be able to know how to respond safely to other drivers doing stupid things. Yet getting the experience required me getting out there… which I quickly became afraid to do.
So I just didn’t. I started out strong, but slowly backed off of getting my hours in. My first driving experiences in empty school parking lots were a breeze. Driving empty country roads, even in a stick shift, were easy peasy. But the moment I started trying to drive in the denser suburban areas around my house, or the interstate feeding into the capital city nearby, I just got so uneasy.
I could handle a vehicle well, but trying to read everyone around me paralyzed me from wanting to try to drive. So I kept renewing my permit rather than getting my license.
But as one particular weekend approached when my parents were going out of town and my younger brother and I needed to get around, I knew I just had to do it. So I went to the DMV once again, and got my license.
To this day, I am proud of the fact that I took my driving test in a big old diesel Suburban and parallel parked that thing and did a three point turn on a small country road with no trouble whatsoever.
And that weekend when my parents were out of town, I conquered not only my fear of driving with other unpredictable drivers around, I drove on two of the scariest roads where I grew up. I drove that big old truck on a two-lane road over what was at the time of it’s completion the world’s largest earthen dam with the lake waters lapping at one side and a massive sheer drop-off on the other. And I drove it through the infamous “Malfunction Junction” in Columbia, SC where two major interstates intersect with the nonsense that is a too-tightly wound four leaf clover.
And I haven’t stopped driving since.
Through my college years and beyond, I was one of the approved van drivers for camp and school trips. I even pulled a 15-passenger van with a trailer behind it all through the state of Florida on one college trip. In my years doing youth ministry, it was always me and the guys doing the driving for trips when we rented vans. I’ve driven musicians I love all over the country, including one time pulling a trailer in downtown Chicago rush hour traffic. (And yes, I can back up a trailer… that’s another story for another time I’d love to share if you’d like to know.) I’ve taught multiple friends how to parallel park, I even just offered this week to teach another friend the next time we hang out.
One thing I’ve found out to be true, is that even if I hold out in fear for a long time, once I dive in, I don’t tend to look back. And I genuinely find release in doing what I once reflexively resisted. And I tend to move pretty quickly through the phases once I do start moving, wondering why I didn’t dive in sooner.
I find that although my internal “no” matters immensely, it’s generally different from this reflexive resistance I find welling up within me still sometimes that’s not actually a genuine “no”. Just as when I really, really wanted to drive but yet put it off out of fear for three years… that resistance wasn’t actually a “no”.
Lately I’ve simply been seeking the space to be curious about things I’ve been reflexively resistant to for decades. Because I really do think there are more roads out there for me to enjoy. Even the roads that scared me most are some of my favorite ones now. And some of my proudest accomplishments are things I put off for a long time.
There’s such kindness and gentleness for the moments we need extra assurance. So rather than feel discouraged I waited, I’ve just decided to jump in more as I can, when I can.