living fully

I'm not sure where to begin, but as a part of leading students on two mission trips this summer, I'm supposed to give those I love an update on my life... I'm inclined to ask you, how I'm doing and what I'm doing I'm so unsure at the moment. But here's an attempt...In this last season (both long and short term), the Lord has been whispering of a moving on. A new season. Change. Or maybe it's just a call to hold all that I love dearly with an open hand without any circumstances changing. Or maybe because I'm a "good girl" and habitually take responsibility for things that are not mine to carry, to let go of that which was never mine to carry in the first place.Seasons of those I love dearly are changing. My girls whom I discipled from middle school, graduated high school and mostly stayed nearby...until now. Now one is marrying this summer. Now one is moving across the country for college. Now one is pursing her dreams outside of contexts that gave us hours on end together. My best friend and brother graduated college and our moments doing everything together certainly won't last forever.After months (or even years) of circumstances leading up to it, I resigned from my largest client this spring. Resigned from the one client who had me on monthly retainer that covered my monthly budget...perfectly logical, right? And yet, it was clearly wisdom from on high to do so. On the heels of that, I finished three other main projects and now find my future work uncertain for the first time in almost five years.Yet the timing of a couple months of greater freedom from work couldn't have come at a more perfect time. The Lord really does work in beautiful, wondrous ways.These inaugural months of summer, I've been able to work on the release of my brother's band's first full length album "Headed for My Home." I've had the freedom and the joy of investing a lot of time into doing practical things for the project's release Tue, June 11...time I'm honored to give and blessed to have.Then the month of July will be consumed with helping to lead two mission trips of students from our church in the Dominican Republic. This will be our ninth year going so it's truly like going to visit family. With so many students wanting to go, we're actually hosting two teams for a total of 55 people. What a joy! And honestly, the thought that I might not have to work while I'm there, is such a relief. Don't get me wrong, I was blessed beyond measure to have clients who valued my investment in relationships in the Dominican Republic and let me do the majority of my work before I left and when I got home so I only had to check in a few times while gone. But not having to stay up till 1am checking email a few times or to-do lists weighing, will be a welcome respite.A respite. A delay or cessation for a time. I know the Proverb "if you don't work, you don't eat." But those who know me well, advise me I should work less, not more. Do less, not more. Perform less, not more.My brother and I took the band and two students helping to lead worship for youth group down to LIFT this last weekend, a worship leader's collective hosted by Passion City Church. It was a chance to breathe. Breathe in life. Breathe in deeply. And exhale. Exhale deeply. I went to a breakout where Christy Nockles shared, and I sat on the floor on the side of the room (to tired to sit proper upright in a chair) and listened as her heart overflowed about rest being a capacity for the Kingdom of God in my life. Living out of security in my identity in Christ so I can have a posture of welcome to speak life into others. To release what He does through me back into His capable hands knowing that the people He brings across my path are His to care for, not mine.Something in me broke the first night. Something I thought had already broken. Louie Gigglio was speaking and asked if anyone had been touched by death recently. I have. It seems selfish to say so, because so many have. And so much closer than me. Maybe that's what makes it hard, because I think of them and love them so. But I still have been touched too. Maybe I'll break again. But it was good when I did. I wasn't responsible for anyone really, so I could. But grieving changes things.This season of great joy and the Lord doing new things and releasing from old is not without context. Context of grief. Context of the not yet. Context of the things that aren't as they should be.I feel in some ways that I'm doing amazingly well and amazingly not well all at the same time. But maybe this is the nature of walking in release. Walking here in the broken.I want to truly see those around me. Not just look past them but into them. I want to drink deeply from the Fountain because I know I have nothing without Him. People say I'm strong, but I feel incredibly weak. But it's in my weakness, that His strength is made known perfectly.What do I want to do after this summer? Come August, I'll need to work more. Only the Lord knows doing what. But I'm strangely not worried about it and relieved to have a couple months to focus only on what's in front of me.Living fully. Breathing deep. Music my soul loves. People my heart delights in. Working diligently as it comes.