We do not become sexual beings when we become sexually active. We are made on purpose as sexual beings, no matter what our roles or seasons of life express at that moment and time. And if you hold an ethic that a monogamous relationship within marriage should be the most sacred and complete form of that expression, you still are a sexual being before then or even if you never experience that. Marriage is not a promise or a guarantee, even for those who desire it, yet our identity as embodied souls aren’t truncated… even without that expression.

I don’t know how it all works, but I know there is a significant group of women who have felt like our embodied presence is simultaneously the problem and the solution to someone else’s problem… but we weren’t taught how to bless and honor the entirety of our presence apart from someone else’s agenda. 

I had a friend ask me awhile ago if I was asexual. It was asked in kindness and attentiveness in light of the fact that I had just shared that even though I am 43 years old I have never dated anyone. Her question made me realize, that though I am not at all, I was practically raised in a cultural moment where I was molded to be so. And in some very compelling ways, there was an entire segment of us good church kids who were discipled to be entirely shut down. Pendulum swinging is never healthy, even though it can be a part of the messy process of figuring out what it means to walk in health in response to something that was legitimately wrong. 

I do not blame anyone or any one book for where I find myself in this season of my life. My life is simply the perfect intersection of the toxic parts of purity culture, being a first born perfectionistic good girl, adopting a narrative of threat, and being a competitive overachiever. They told me to guard my heart, so I did… completely. They told me to live above reproach because people are watching… so I never put myself anywhere that anyone could ever potentially possibly ever misunderstand what was happening between me and a guy, because we all know nothing physical was happening (cause that wasn’t an option!), but I had to avoid even the appearance of it. And because they told me boys couldn’t be trusted, I made sure I didn’t… ever. They told me a real man would pursue me so all I had to do was live my life and one would come along and that I should never, ever, under any circumstances show any kind of interest because that would be too forward, so I became detached and unaware. One time I even thought a man who had been flirting with me in the sweetest way was mentally handicapped… and I wasn’t kidding. I was worried about the dear man, but he liked just being around me for the brief moments we were in proximity. 

Reacting against one harm can so often create another. And this makes me angry. And then deeply sad. Sad for so many of my friends who are in the same place. We tried so sincerely to do it all right, but got a lot of it wrong along the way. And now we find ourselves untangling, undoing and rebuilding. It’s a disorientation that’s reorienting to a deeper, richer, more beautiful expression of the foundational truths us good church kids were rooted and grounded in. 

And yet this denial of the fullness of God’s design, inherent in each of His image bearers, also came in a context with such a culture of shame and over-sexualization of things that just simply aren’t shameful or inherently sexual. I should be able to talk to an adult man in a meaningful way without people assuming there’s something more between us. Especially if he’s a leader in the church, he should have a measure of decorum, be able to look me in the eyes, listen and share. If he cannot, I do wonder why. At it’s basest form, the paradigm I feel like we’re left with is: is he a pervert or am I a whore? As a single woman I feel seen as a threat far too often. Let it be known, I am definitely not a home wrecker if a man is married and if he is single the odds are pretty good I’m not his wife (especially with how things have been going… ha!). The most common relationship advocated for in Scripture between men and women is that of brother and sister. Or spiritual parent and child. Why, oh why, have we made it so weird?! 

In this, and so many other instances, the over-sexualization in culture just has it’s churchy counterpart. Christian subculture has been so unfortunately good at mimicking pop culture for far too long about far too many things. 

I know this is a really big statement, but as for me, right now, I feel like it has made zero room for the embodied presence of women in the fullness of who we are. Because who we are is not limited to being a wife and a mom. And who we are, in our embodied form, is not only not a problem… it’s very good. But yet, I can be treated as less than, or like a problem, simply for showing up. (And before you ask what I wear, which is it’s own discussion for another day… this has happened my whole adult life, fully clothed, head to toe, even bundled up for a winter storm in puffy clothing.)

Building a biblical sexual ethic cannot be marriage dependent. It has implications for marriage most definitely! But I need an ethic advocated for… for life. And a richer, truer, deeper ethic cultivated beginning in singleness can then actually support and enable us to flourish more fully for our entire lives, both for people in marriages and not in marriages. Because this ethic would dispel shame. This ethic would promote self control. This ethic would allow for curiosity and joy. This ethic would allow for noticing, even arousal without labeling it lust but rather equip saints to walk in the fullness of life Christ came to give us here and now. This ethic would uphold sacredness, awe, delight. This ethic would bless and not shame. This ethic would honor God’s design.

And please don’t shame the women who are out here cultivating our skills, talents and gifts. Whether we have a husband, children, or none of the above. We are whole people.

And please don’t lump all of the boss ladies and women who are thriving and competent into one class. I was shut down, so I did present very much like I didn’t need a man. But it was because I held in my body and brain that they weren’t safe and it was wrong of me to even give a glimmer of showing interest. And it’s not that I didn’t want marriage. I very much desired it in my heart of hearts since I was a little girl. But the condoned path forward seemingly left me nothing to pursue in that realm. So I did all the things I could do. I got good at my work. I threw myself into the relationships I could pursue and nurture… and I’ve not been perfect (which I’m learning to let go of), but I’ve done it really, really well.

And even with the women who are bitter and jaded against men, maybe just maybe they have a reason to feel that way. Statistics would tell us, they very well might. And these statistics aren’t often measurably different for within the church and outside of the church. So railing against them, isn’t likely to lead them to know their presence is wanted, welcomed, needed in the family of God. There is always more going on than first meets the eye. Please be willing to meet her eyes with compassion not contempt… please. 

So before you cast your stones at “those feminists” or the women who act like they don’t need a man, consider maybe she’s been hurt or maybe she just did exactly what she was raised to do… or has had to do. I know a lot of really, really good women who would dearly love to not have to do it all alone. To have an advocate. And to advocate for someone else. And many of them are some of the most wonderful friends, aunts, sisters, daughters, and bosses I have ever met. And I am proud to be one, and to know so many.