twenty girls
This morning I woke up laughing at myself because I was dreaming I was wooing and calling and shooing nearly 20 girls out of the house for a day of ministry. Reminding them to fill up water bottles, wear sunscreen and bug spray, pull their hair up to ward of bringing home extra critters... Bright sun streaming through the open back porch doors, flooding the white walls with light. And a cool breeze sweeping through from the wooden double front doors open wide for them to all tumble out. I could feel it. I was counting heads passing by (always counting!)...then I woke up.And I smiled to myself. Alone, in my room. Quiet. Darkened from the shade of trees and shades pulled closed. No hustle. No flurry. No pushing out the door.I'm not sad to be home. My home is a gift in every capacity! But I'm sad not to be there. With them. Twenty girls to tuck in every night. Twenty girls to love well, to be loved well by, to love others well with.
Unlike any other year, and this is our tenth, I felt disoriented leaving. Sleeping the last night in the house there after a month. Waking the girls up for the last time. Packing everything away. The house spotless and clean and neat and organized after a month of constant activity, sprawl and chaos. Locking up the last night to leave. Walking away. Riding down the hill. Last head count on the bus. I play cried as I walked down the aisle patting their heads to count...but it's only so I didn't really cry.
I can say with Peter, "Lord, it [was] good for us to be [there]" (Matthew 17:4). And it was. Right and good and true to be there. Jesus Himself took us there. To show us His goodness and glory. Transfigured before us, radiant.There was this joke while we were there, when placement assignments for the day were being made you could often hear several students calmly offer that they "would be willing" to go to such-and-such place. When inside they were screaming, "oh please, please let me go there!" But surrendered, they offered a willing heart, trusting the result would be right and good and true.And so like Peter we say, "if You wish..." (Matthew 17:4). If you wish, I will stay here. Stay here in this glory and goodness. And it is good. He is good.Yet He walks down the mountain with them (Matthew 17:9). With us. The same Presence. The same glory and goodness. The same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).The Father's beloved Son with whom He is well-pleased (Matthew 17:5) walks with us. Is also well-pleased with us. Such glory and goodness is too beautiful for me to comprehend.
Maybe this is part of why I couldn't bring myself to embrace leaving... I still hadn't exhausted the depths of the glory and goodness displayed. I know there is more for me to soak in and absorb. I couldn't get all of it. But now, here, even the most I can absorb...and I want as much as He will enlighten to me...is only a dim reflection of His fullness. Now, we can only know in part. But one day... One day soon... We will know. Know as we are fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12).So in the meantime, we cling bravely to faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13:12). Saying yes Jesus. It is good to be with You wherever you lead. In the leaving, in the staying. In the coming and going. Faith, hope and love.